Posts Tagged online dating

book review: Labor of Love

labor of love

Labor of Love: The Invention of Dating by Moira Weigel. Farrar, Straus and Giroux| May 2016| 304 pages | $26.00| ISBN: 978-0-374-18253-3

RATING: ****/5*

Why do we date? How do we date? Who do we date? Where do we find dates? Dating can be exhausting. People can make dating a part-time job. You need to “put yourself out there” and make an “effort” to meet people. College provided a built-in social life. But if you weren’t ready to settle down then one found it increasingly more difficult to meet and pair off. Work and social life blur as technology makes it easier to feel connected to other people even in a virtual manner. In the past, dating meant marriage and a family. Today women want sex as much as men although women who remain single still garner negative judgment while men who remain single take on the cool bachelor persona.

Author Moira Weigel explores our quest for intimacy and understanding in this fascinating and illuminating read. Covering an immense time span from calling cards to going steady to hookup culture, Weigel answers these questions with thorough research and a keenly academic focus and tone. She writes: “Today, the average millennial spends no more than three years at any job, and more than 30 percent of the workforce is freelance. Hooking up gives you the steely heart you need to live with these odds. Like a degree in media studies, it prepares you for anything and nothing in particular.” She culls information from varied resources. She explores how feminism, civil rights, the HIV/AIDS epidemic and technological advances affected dating.

She writes of 1960s free love: “the sexual revolution did not take things too far. It did not take things far enough. It did not change gender roles and romantic relationships as dramatically as they would need to be changed in order to make everyone as free as the idealists promised. It tore down walls, but it did not build a new world.” In a story in the 1980s about video dating an author in Chicago Tribune stated the stark reality for women; it works “as long as you’re either (a) A gorgeous woman, under 35, with a glamorous career, or (b) An average-looking man, under 65, with an ordinary job.”

Attitudes haven’t changed since then. It’s just as difficult for women over 40 to find dates never mind finding the ideal match or a longtime companion. Online dating might seem easier but nothing compares to communicating with someone in-person, face-to-face. Texting and emailing can be misconstrued innumerable ways. Weigel explains present day dating: “The custom of dating developed under a particular order. It came from an era when life was supposed to divide cleanly into work and leisure. Even the word “date” comes from the idea that there is a point in time when you will meet up with a love interest. So too, does “going out” assume that there is a world of entertainment, separate from the world of home and work, for you to go out into.” Dating seems rather outdated in the Netflix and chill era. Smart writing and impeccable detail makes Weigel’s history of dating a provocative worthwhile read.

Author Moira Weigel writes about gender, media and culture. Her writing has appeared in The Guardian, The Nation and The New Republic. She’s a PhD candidate in comparative literature at Yale. Moira Weigel will be at Harvard Book Store on Monday, June 23, 2016 at 7pm.

–review by Amy Steele

FTC Disclosure: I received this book for review from Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

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purchase at Amazon: Labor of Love: The Invention of Dating

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DATING: defensive misogynist on OKCupid [so awful I couldn’t make this up]

Frustrated Woman Using Laptop

A few days ago I received a message from a guy on OKCupid. And not just a “Hi.” or “You’re pretty.” He’s four years older than me but seemed extremely concerned about my purported preference for younger men. I will admit that I’m a young 43 both in looks and in my tastes– I favor alternative music and indie films and keep current on pop culture. I’m not stuck in my high school time zone.

Byron aka bradclif88:

energetic revealing profile. I am interested but cautious ; you seemed to carry a preference for younger partner. I used to be younger, but no access to time machines; if the technology catches up in the future……

Or we can meet and greet and take it from there
A little about me

I am a hopeless romantic and I love it ,
despite the pain which it sometimes causes. I am loooking for a good solid woman , to be the balanced partner I desire. Honest ,fun loving , and humourous.
I can cook. Love a great scotch wine herb,-420,; so much more to tell about me and to learn about you .
My emotional quotient EQ, is above average ; good listener and sharer.
At six feet, 203lbs (this morning ), I can certainly lift , if not sweep, you off your feet.
I work in health care, which I love, and i do have a flexible schedule so meeting should not be a problem. I am open to women of all races, sizes , relationship status,etc
Looking for a friend and lover, short or long term ;whatever clicks between us.Will answer all responders, gracefully and gratefully,

Byron Sent from the OkCupid app

my reply:

Why do you think I have a preference for younger guys? I don’t say that anywhere. What do you do in healthcare?


On the questionnaire section, asking about age difference you reply , I think , I prefer younger men. I may be wrong.
I am an internal medicine spec. PCP.

BSent from the OkCupid app
Jul 26, 2013 – 7:49pm

“How do you feel about age differences in relationship s”
And you answered as above : prefer younger men , but if you changed your mind, or whatever , hooray!

Sent from the OkCupid app

my reply:

Prefer doesn’t mean much esp when a question gets posed

–These OKCupid questions give you limited wiggle room. I probably DO prefer younger guys but that doesn’t mean an older guy might be respectful, communicative, smart and charming and that we might have enough things in common. However, I notice that he smokes and THAT is an absolute dealbreaker. Gross. Smelly breath, clothes, stained hands and teeth. Need I go on?


I send him this message:

You smoke. I can’t date smokers; it’s disgusting. Doubly so that you’re a doctor who smokes.
Sent from the OkCupid app
Jul 28, 2013 – 3:18pm

–now he gets defensive because I said I don’t like smoking. Perfectly in my right. Do you know how many guys won’t date a vegan, a feminist, a woman who voted for Obama, a reader, a writer, a liberal, an animal lover, a recycler, a yoga fan, a liberal arts major, someone with depression, a woman with an advanced degree? Online dating and online communication doesn’t give you carte blanche to attack someone, to name call or to be so inappropriate.


“Doubly so?”- why so?
My,you are so open minded!

Smoking may be disgusting , smokers are not

Prefer dies not mean much? Then why did you use the term? You were not forced to use the term. And stating in your first text, that you never said that you preferred younger men, when you did say it, and now yiu are trying to then it around, indicated your own instability and mean spiritedness. God, go pursue younger men, they can teach an old dog like you new tricks . Ugh
Sent from the OkCupid app
Jul 28, 2013 – 6:59pm

my reply:

You’re defensive because I don’t like smoking. That’s mature. I don’t re-visit those questions I answered and you’re harping on one I prob answered a year ago. In my experience younger guys have cooler, open-minded attitudes and are interested in current music and film not stuck in a classic rock/ what I did in high school phase.
I feel sorry for your patients.

Sent from the OkCupid app
Jul 29, 2013 – 8:52am

Bradclif88 says:

I am defensive dealing with an offensive human idiot. Younger dudes love trannies like you – but , which? Yiu say preferences don’t count!
My patients are fine; I can’t help you ; I’m not a psychiatrist . Thank you for going away

Sent from the OkCupid app
Jul 29, 2013 – 11:12am


It’s interesting that you must resort to calling me an idiot and a “tranny.” Wow. What a conservative, awful person because I answered one question that I “prefer” younger. Look at the ugliness and ignorance you’ve shown through messages.
Sent from the OkCupid app

Jul 29, 2013 – 1:52pm


You feel sorry for my patients”

You don’t know me , nor my patients, yet you make ignorant statements like that one.
“Dating a smoker is disgusting ”
Smoking may be disgusting to some. Only ignorant people call the person disgusting . ( sure you will deny writing that, just like you initially denied your saying you prefer younger men)
You never admitted, nor apologized for your error. Classy people would have said ” oh I am sorry , I did write that I prefer younger men”. Not you . Yiu just slid back and said the question was at fault, and your answer was not that important anyway: shows your inability to take responsibility for your actions , amongst other flaws you show in this exchange. Open minded ? You? Don’t think so.
Honest ? Like a republican.
Tranny? Oh yeah, that’s the term universally used and recognized to describe desperate old women who fear aging and their own worth. Screw younger men, after one drops you ( slam bam , thank you ma’am) , you move onto another, ready with excuses as to why it didnt work out. Repeat.
Inevitably you return to Okcupid, saying you’re looking for a ” mature” gentlemen, flattered by posts from young men, but thanks , you may be as old as my son( ugh), but not interested. Read all these women’s ads , you will be there soon enough.

FYI, I’ve never been a conservative; only an idiot could conclude that based on brief letter exchange!
So now, see the last sentence of my last email to ya

Sent from the OkCupid app

Jul 29, 2013 – 3:09pm

–Not sure why I’d engage with this guy. I guess I can’t believe someone who claims to be a PCP would be this cruel and disgusting.


You’re so ignorant and conservative-minded you don’t deserve my time. I don’t like smoking. Period. Smokers have bad breath, smelly clothes, stained teeth and fingers.
Calling a woman a tranny is disgusting and misogynist. I don’t have to apologize for preferring younger men. You’ve done zero to prove you’d be cool enough to date me. I don’t date 20somethings. I’m far from desperate or I’d grovel for someone as awful as you to accept and date me. . .

Sent from the OkCupid app

Jul 29, 2013 – 5:48pm


On your knees, bee-atch!
That’s why you keep replying to me, when I told ya to go away!

You r old, sagging, and can only get young ones for a few dates NSA and FWB.
Tranny is not misogynistic, it is accurate. Only the truly desperate Woman objects to a valid term by saying its “M”!
Getcha knee pads ready, it’s gonna be a long haul for you!

LTiP movie quote: ” get the butter “- Brando
Sent from the OkCupid app

Jul 29, 2013 – 5:58pm
Your patients should read your disgusting messages. My age range is 33-53. You’re mad bec I dislike smokers and smoking.

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